do you ever just feel the need to start over? to throw everything out, to buy a new wardrobe and just reinvent yourself?

this is how I feel right now

let me give you a little background:

It is fall quarter of my sophomore year, I just recently withdrew out of all my classes because I was basically failing. to be fair, this is for reasons that are out of my control... I've been attempting to figure out my medical mystery that might just be narcolepsy.

so I have a reason for having to withdraw but I still feel that I just failed, that I didn't put in the adequate effort, that I chose to sleep, that I chose to make the decisions that led to this.
I'm having a hard time coping with this and every time its brought up I tend to feel like more of a failure.

I want to be smart, a girl who is known for studying lots and getting good grades. a girl who always has beautiful skin because she remembers to drink water and wash her face every day. a girl who applies for internships and gets them and she always looks organized and put together because, for the most part, she is.

I want to be a good person, a thoughtful daughter, and friend. I want to be friendly and remembered and be social. I want to also be nice to myself.

but I'm sitting here typing crisscross applesauce in the middle of my laundry covered room. I have a boiling pimple on my forehead and am wearing a navy long sleeve shirt that is too tight on me.

i havent worked out in three months.

i want to reinvent myself and start new habits.... but i'm scared to fail myself and everyone around me yet again.