Ok so I know that there are more important things to life than this, and it’s so stupid to complain about but I respect myself enough to let myself think about this as much as want. You know for mental health reasons.
There’s this guy that I liked a lot this summer. This summer was so great, I lived in a fraternity and got super close with a group of friends. This was a sister from my sorority, my roomate who I had never met before we roomed together and two boys whom I met at GCP retreat. (Greek community project )
We all hung out a lot and ended up traveling to different places almost every weekend that we were together. We went to Long Beach, Washington for the 4th of July. We stayed at Sophia’s lil cabin thing and smoked and got high and watched the fireworks on the beach. This too was the weekend jared asked me to be his little 💓
We also went camping twice, went cliff jumping three separate times, Portland, yakima, silverhood etc. It was an absolute summer to remember. I love all of them so much. But I formed a crush on one of the fellas🙄
Now this wasn’t because he was the most handsome boy because I wasn’t attracted to him at first. I liked him for his soft hair, his laugh and sense of humor. Only after I started liking him did I realize all of his attractive features. His nose was funny and his lips were always chapped, he was so white that he needed to reapply sunscreen 800 times a day to avoid getting burned, his muscles were big and he loves loves music. I developed so much admiration for him and this never felt one sided to me.
We went on a hike with friends and him and I took photos together and the view, he was my walking stick all the way down the mountain and we fell asleep on the car ride home; my head on his shoulder. He thought I was the most hilarious girl. He watched a movie with just me. He invited me to drive around in his car one night to listen to music from his new speakers. He made me quesadillas on night when we were both drunk and we listed to music while we sat on the island in the kitchen. He would ask me to workout with him and would be so kind.
There was one trip before I ruined everything, when things were perfect. It was our trip to silver wood, he was so sweet and I was on the clouds. We rapped to the same songs on the way, I was shotgun on the way back and we honored about the cutest stuff. He pretended to bite my finger out and spit it out if I kept trying to stick my finger in his mouth when he yawned. He stuck with me the entire time at silverhood. Every ride. He even got jealous when Bruce let me play w his hair and got friendly w me a bit. I loved that trip because I thought he made it clear that he had feelings and I was so excited.
So later that week I told him I liked him and he said “won’t it be awkward now” and I said no and se was kind and smiley and didn’t really say much. He walked out and our relationship or friendship or whatever has never been the same and it sucks.
Well anyways. This guy, I still think is cute but can no longer be myself around him and I feel so self conscious every time I say anything in front of him bc I’m worried of what he’ll think of me. Worried he’ll like me less. Every time I hang w our friends he’s also there and he’s his sweet self and I can join in bc i can’t be the same with him anymore.
And I’m so sad at myself for not being good enough for him to like me WHICH I KNOWNIS WRONG TO SAY AND MEN AINT SHIT SO I AHOULDNT CARE ABOUT THIS BUT I THINK ABOUT IT AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO SHITTY SO I SAY it.
I wish I was what he thought was attractive, I wish I was more confident around him and more intelligent. I wish I was thinner, more fit, more funnier, blonder, ugh. I thought he didn’t care about that, i thought he was a nice boy that would like me for all the great qualities I have but it wasn’t enough.. and I’m Sad. I wanna hold his clammy hands and listen to him rap his songs and hype him up, I wanna share my chapstick w him and have him come over to hang w my dad who he liked so so much.
I wish this time it had been different and I had been enough.
There’s this guy that I liked a lot this summer. This summer was so great, I lived in a fraternity and got super close with a group of friends. This was a sister from my sorority, my roomate who I had never met before we roomed together and two boys whom I met at GCP retreat. (Greek community project )
We all hung out a lot and ended up traveling to different places almost every weekend that we were together. We went to Long Beach, Washington for the 4th of July. We stayed at Sophia’s lil cabin thing and smoked and got high and watched the fireworks on the beach. This too was the weekend jared asked me to be his little 💓
We also went camping twice, went cliff jumping three separate times, Portland, yakima, silverhood etc. It was an absolute summer to remember. I love all of them so much. But I formed a crush on one of the fellas🙄
Now this wasn’t because he was the most handsome boy because I wasn’t attracted to him at first. I liked him for his soft hair, his laugh and sense of humor. Only after I started liking him did I realize all of his attractive features. His nose was funny and his lips were always chapped, he was so white that he needed to reapply sunscreen 800 times a day to avoid getting burned, his muscles were big and he loves loves music. I developed so much admiration for him and this never felt one sided to me.
We went on a hike with friends and him and I took photos together and the view, he was my walking stick all the way down the mountain and we fell asleep on the car ride home; my head on his shoulder. He thought I was the most hilarious girl. He watched a movie with just me. He invited me to drive around in his car one night to listen to music from his new speakers. He made me quesadillas on night when we were both drunk and we listed to music while we sat on the island in the kitchen. He would ask me to workout with him and would be so kind.
There was one trip before I ruined everything, when things were perfect. It was our trip to silver wood, he was so sweet and I was on the clouds. We rapped to the same songs on the way, I was shotgun on the way back and we honored about the cutest stuff. He pretended to bite my finger out and spit it out if I kept trying to stick my finger in his mouth when he yawned. He stuck with me the entire time at silverhood. Every ride. He even got jealous when Bruce let me play w his hair and got friendly w me a bit. I loved that trip because I thought he made it clear that he had feelings and I was so excited.
So later that week I told him I liked him and he said “won’t it be awkward now” and I said no and se was kind and smiley and didn’t really say much. He walked out and our relationship or friendship or whatever has never been the same and it sucks.
Well anyways. This guy, I still think is cute but can no longer be myself around him and I feel so self conscious every time I say anything in front of him bc I’m worried of what he’ll think of me. Worried he’ll like me less. Every time I hang w our friends he’s also there and he’s his sweet self and I can join in bc i can’t be the same with him anymore.
And I’m so sad at myself for not being good enough for him to like me WHICH I KNOWNIS WRONG TO SAY AND MEN AINT SHIT SO I AHOULDNT CARE ABOUT THIS BUT I THINK ABOUT IT AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO SHITTY SO I SAY it.
I wish I was what he thought was attractive, I wish I was more confident around him and more intelligent. I wish I was thinner, more fit, more funnier, blonder, ugh. I thought he didn’t care about that, i thought he was a nice boy that would like me for all the great qualities I have but it wasn’t enough.. and I’m Sad. I wanna hold his clammy hands and listen to him rap his songs and hype him up, I wanna share my chapstick w him and have him come over to hang w my dad who he liked so so much.
I wish this time it had been different and I had been enough.
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